how deep is your shame?

alright. so you know those times when you got your mind set that you are going to avoid something. you're not gonna do it, and it's totally gonna happen. but then, out-of-the-blue and not-up-to-you, like sudden diarrhea, it's there and you have no choice. last night. i was saying to myself "i'm not gonna drink tonite. after rehearsal, i'm gonna go home and maybe catch up on some susan faludi, maybe make love to the sofa and watch some VH1. have some warm milk, and slip into my bed early. and by early, i mean perhaps by two."

but no. no. i was suddenly forced to go to the pub. forced. and i dont mean gun-to-the-head force, i mean good old catholic guilt forced. what are you gonna do when your friend calls you sweetie and says please and thanks and asks you to go? you can't say no. i'm not hateful. not in public. so i go. and we say to each other "but we won't be there long..."

i have two dollars in my pocket. i'm that kind of baller. so i think, "hey i'll just get a seltzer with a lime splash. or just a water." but no. my friend knows this "guy in the band." and he gets that "guy in the band" discount, so he keeps buying us pitchers of beer. so its free. beer... free beer. shakespeare couldn't come up with a lovelier phrase. and do i give her the thumbs up and the go ahead on this guy? oh, but i do. i say marry the man tomorrow. or at least slip him some tongue. i love this free beer by association. he's a keeper, love him, i'm sold, can i get him for you wholesale?

so i get drunk. the kind of drunk where you keep losing your keys but they're right there, and you don't say all that much because you know it's not gonna be pretty if you do. and people keep filling your glass, but you can only look at it like it just bitchslapped you. but the beer (like peace) is flowing like a river, and the band is a delight and they actually say "this song is for paul, deena, and kristyn." it's a holiday... afterwards, i went home and made nachos that would make the taco bell janitor's sphincter tighten, chased by a bowl of ice cream.

anyway... i'll stop making excuses. i just wanted to blog... something. and i guess i was feeling guilty and like i had to apologize... to somebody. i don't know. is it possible to backhand yourself? can you stick your elbow in your ear? if a drunk falls down in the woods, and there's nobody there to see it, does he make a noise? no. he just gets up quietly and stumbles away, and pretends that it never happened.