whoa

I recently saw the most realistic Simpsons parody ever. It's totally live action and Marge is crazy hot, but i seriously almost crapped my pants when i saw Flanders. Its like they pulled him straight out of the cartoon and made him real... it was posted here Simpsons Porn Parody

explicit baubles.

who knew that the saginaw news publishes poetry? i didn't. oh, poetry. the beautiful filets of language, laid out like those delectable Rubenesque ladies with nipples you couldn't put your fist around. well, this is the sentence of the week that got my toes curled. curled tighter than my grandmother's perm. and straight out of my hometown's newspaper. who knew? alright. here we go:

"LeRoy E. Myers Jr. says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup trailer hitches."

priceless.
this is the phrase that pays. the sentence with presence. the quote on the boat. for some reason i just can't get it out of my head. and if anybody else would like, at group prices i could get that quote printed on a coffee mug for really cheap. and by cheap, i mean, like... comparatively.

i am innocent.

alright, so one of my beloveds says to me, they say: "why you no blogging? me wants you to be all blogging and shit." and i don't have much of an answer.
(but i am eating nachos at this moment. mmm...)
and so this is for them.
well, it is most certainly not directed toward them. uh-uh.
and it really isn't a them.
it's a him.
a male-type person, you know?
and we'll always have scene 6.
be that as it may.
my explanation is longer than my actual blog.
and you know who you are.

my blog is this (for that bitch-ass that isn't my beloved) :
"how about you just sit on my fucking fist and let me wipe your tears with my dick, you extra-chromosome-toting motherfucker. how about that, huh? alright. i'll let you think about it while you make friends with my undercarriage."

thank-you.

my underbelly is a piano

i've been cooking much bacon lately. it's in the fridge, ya know. generally delicious. you can slap it on any sandwich and call it appetizing. however, the whole concept of it seems self-hating to me.
i don't like red meat. i don't like fatty-ass shit. i don't like using tongs when i'm cooking, especially with anything that spits back at you. but self-hating comes easy to me. after a while it sort of becomes an art, like driving drunk or mounting a horse. so why not indulge?
alright. i lied. i don't mind tongs at all. and they know why. we have had some intimate (unspeakable) moments together.
but... i have nothing to say. i've got fingers to type and i'm proud of their speed and accuracy. and i have elbows, all ashy and mottled. i have hair, increasingly thin and absent. my body, disease-ridden and forgettable. and bacon, burnt and symbolic.
i'm planning on turning my life into a rock-opera. don't get scared when i start singing to you.

did you salt the dumplings?

tonight i met a man with a dog named "ugly." but of course, he wasn't ugly. perhaps merely inscrutable.
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and i know everyone else is too (of me). god love them. (whichever god they prescribe to.) my god is the people i love and give it back. i'm sorry for weeping so much recently. lately i have had much to apologize for.
all apologies, i am.
deena: you have no idea how many people love the mere idea of you being anywhere near them. busy-lady that you are, when we can be together i am honestly honored that i get to be there.
natalie: i miss you so much. you are truly a light. please don't lose that. i've been able to watch you grow up. you've watched me grow up too. we've both helped each other become who we are.
samantha: if i didn't have you, then what would i do? we joke about getting married and having babies... but please know that (if i was into girls) there's nobody else i would love to do that with. why we haven't had drunken sex is beyond me.
anyway, deena and i were just talking about budget monks. and, yes, they are highly respectable and intriguing. but don't you think someone's title should be able to be defined? a budget monk? as opposed to those high-spending, jet-setting monks? okay. fine. let them get one more monk-inch ahead of me in the line toward heaven. but if they're listening to an i-fucking-pod, then my foot is not gonna be flip-flopping it, it's gonna be up a monk's ass. will i be sent to hell? probably. but good. because you know what he's listening to on that i-pod should probably make his neck be broken by geena davis. (rent "the long kiss goodnight" for reference.)
on another note, i'm really into bisquick lately. go figure.

too little, too late.

Just in case you aren't aware, let me inform you of the fantastic events taking place this saturday, June 10th.
your socks? consider them knocked off. wanna see me? i'll be there, socks knocked off prior.

down at the 303:

Renegade Bed race starts at 2:00 pm

Box Spring Outdoor Music Festival starts at 4:00 pm
featuring:The Banana Convention 4:00 - 5:00
The Avery Set 5:15 - 6:15
Sprout 6:30 - as late as they want to go

Also poetry by Marc Beaudin and Bakari McClendon, stand-up comedy, cane twirling and fire batons!
Beer and other liquid refreshments. Popcorn. Food by Dave's Texas Bar-B-Q. Raffles. Prizes and drink specials for pajama-wearers.

$10 at the gate. (Helps us produce another season of progressive, independant theatre and visual arts events.)

The 303
303 Adams at Niagara
Old Town Saginaw
989-297-5111 for more info.

we won't come home until we kissed a girl

now that i am celibate, i need new and exciting things to take up my time. or at least to hang with my friends who are able to bitch, moan, and/or fart in harmony with my own emotional diarrhea. anyway, this is somewhere i go as often as it's updated and i thought some of you would enjoy it's existence. (specifically amanda, charlie, and scott. yes.)
http://www.avclub.com/content/hater
and of course, i care about all y'all, so this remains recommended to anyone who is of the persuasion and is persuaded.
(and of course i still say "y'all" in honor of amanda: royalties are coming, honey.)
i wanna kiss all of you, my friends.
and i mean lips and all. even your vagina, if you have one.