you are the wind between my knees
in my life, i have two things that remain constant: my deep and pathetic self-loathing, and the ability to get a hole in the crotch of any pair of pants i own.
last nite, i was sprawled on my friend's gorgeous sofa which just sucks you in. ever so plush. fuck mattresses. it's like lounging on angelina's lips, had they been bloated up to mammoth proportions. or maybe j. lo's asscheeks had they been bloated up to as big as they already are. be that as it may, sitting there i was when all of a sudden i hear a hearty gasp. "is everyone okay?" i asked, and everyone was. but apparently my balls were bulging out of this gaping hole in the crotch of my blue jeans. my favorite jeans.
but, why i ask you.
some hypotheses that have been proposed are:
a) my dick is so big that, eventually, the pants give out. cotton isn't known for it's tenacity.
b) i fart too much. and all those small explosions between my legs eventually wear down the crotch fiber.
c) all of my pants are old (i like to call it vintage).
whatever the reason for the season, i've opted to laminate all of my pants in an attempt to maintain their original splendor. plus, their easier to wash, you just hose them off.
the only downside is that everyone is going to start laminating their pants. trendsetter that i am, it's hard for me to get credit for all the latest fashion fads that i start because my devoted set of posers instantly start copping my style. (you know who you are and you can go fuck your mother, although you probably will anyway because i know i already did.)
i'm also thinking about bringing back paisley.
last nite, i was sprawled on my friend's gorgeous sofa which just sucks you in. ever so plush. fuck mattresses. it's like lounging on angelina's lips, had they been bloated up to mammoth proportions. or maybe j. lo's asscheeks had they been bloated up to as big as they already are. be that as it may, sitting there i was when all of a sudden i hear a hearty gasp. "is everyone okay?" i asked, and everyone was. but apparently my balls were bulging out of this gaping hole in the crotch of my blue jeans. my favorite jeans.
but, why i ask you.
some hypotheses that have been proposed are:
a) my dick is so big that, eventually, the pants give out. cotton isn't known for it's tenacity.
b) i fart too much. and all those small explosions between my legs eventually wear down the crotch fiber.
c) all of my pants are old (i like to call it vintage).
whatever the reason for the season, i've opted to laminate all of my pants in an attempt to maintain their original splendor. plus, their easier to wash, you just hose them off.
the only downside is that everyone is going to start laminating their pants. trendsetter that i am, it's hard for me to get credit for all the latest fashion fads that i start because my devoted set of posers instantly start copping my style. (you know who you are and you can go fuck your mother, although you probably will anyway because i know i already did.)
i'm also thinking about bringing back paisley.
posted by paultoes at 11:35 AM
4 Comments:
Your style has nothing on me. I also wear out the crotch of my pants all the time too. Odd. I think it's actually the friction from my fat thighs every time I take a step though.
I loved it when I took my friend Noah, from Boomtacular, to a party once, and i was chit-chatting and then was like 'oh, look, there is something up with your pants' and most of the party looked, and after i pointed it out i realized his nut sack was hanging out. then he proceeded to ask the hose if he had a G-string he could borrow.
ha, you said hose. no wonder i love you.
yeah, and right after he asked the hose, he asked the host, as well.
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