under siege

so... i have a guilty pleasure of good, old-fashioned B-movies.
let's say the movie, 2046, for example, has a certain delicious flavor and consistency, much like foie gras. but sometimes, you just want a Whopper. extra mayonnaise, if you could.
which brings me to the battleship bonanza of Under Siege. here, you have all the makings of a trashy classic. case in point: Steven Seagal, registering the emotional range of a Kleenex. (Interesting side note: initially, they were going to give him the last name "Seagull," but the birds employed in the screen adaptation of Jonathon Livingston Seagull balked that they would have to suffer a comparison of abilities.)
then there is Tommy Lee Jones playing a semi-psychotic harmonica playing wannabe-hippie... so he's just really playing himself. and do we really want anything more from him?
then there's Gary Busey. what can i say... he seems at least half-sober for most of the movie, but you get to see him in a dress, and you just wish he wore that to Celebrity Fit Camp just once. in this get-up, you can also notice the remarkable similarity to Hilary Duff... and i don't just mean that absent, listless look in their eyes.
and Erika Eleniak... has the world known more creamy, buttery boobs? i don't think so. the way she pops out of that cake makes me weep. not for what is. but for the man i was never meant to be. who knew, given some hair extensions and a skimpy red bathing-suit, the lives she would save as she jiggled her way up and down the west-coast. where is her Nobel Prize? where's her self-serving trip to the holy land? where.... where is she? i'm sure VH1 will find out soon enough.
beyond all these incredible performances we get Macgyver-like maneuvers and a renewed faith in someone with a greasy ponytail.
it all kinda makes me wanna join the navy.
besides, i've seen the porn. i know what kind of sex they have there.
god bless america.

under siege - B+
navy sex - A-